Hate to Love You by Tijan

The air in the bar had changed.

People were more on edge. I frowned. I couldn’t place it. Maybe they were more . . . there was an eagerness mixed with a slight edge of hysteria at the same time. I was intoxicated. If I could sense this when I was blasted, it must’ve been really bad.

I marched over to my booth. Gage’s friends were still there, and a new guy had squished in to where I’d been sitting.

“Hey!” A cheer rose from them. “It’s Dick Crusher.”

I teetered on my feet, holding on to the table. “What’s going on?”

Two of them started to stand, saying, “You can take my spot.”

“No, no.” I waved them back. I needed to sober up. That meant not sitting and drinking more. “I’m good. Stay comfortable. I meant around the bar.” I motioned around. “I can feel something’s weird.”

“Oh.” One girl understood. “Shay Coleman came in.”

That was right. It all made sense now.

I swung my head around. “Where’s he at?”

This was as good of a time as any to apologize. I could do it in the bar, and I could slip away. It’d be a drive-by apology. He’d never know what hit him, and tomorrow, I could go back to being normal. I wouldn’t have to be nice.

“What?”

“Coleman. Where’s he at?” I was squinting to see the rest of the bar. I couldn’t. Our corner was packed, and there was a whole other section by the door. I knew that area was standing room only. This might be more work than I realized.

“You know Coleman?”

“She doesn’t know Coleman.”

I didn’t know who was talking so I asked again, “Where at?”

“He’s probably where the football guys always sit.”

I looked at the guy who said that. “I’ve never been here in my life. I have no idea where that is.”

One girl stood and took my hand. “I’ll show you.”

“Wait.” The guy waved us back. He leaned forward, shouting so we could hear him better. “What are you doing? Are you going to talk to him or something?”

The girl started laughing. “She doesn’t know Coleman. She probably wants to meet him or something.”

I nodded. Her words weren’t really clicking with me.

I said, “I need to apologize to him. I was a bitch before.”

I had a fleeting thought that I just violated something. Wait. My rules. Why did I have those rules again? I was forgetting everything. I added, “And I have to tell him Lael says hello.”

“You know Shay Coleman?” the guy asked, sounding doubtful.

The girl was still laughing. She had no clue what was going on.

“I’m in a class with him. It’s all good. I’m not like a stalker or anything.” I shuddered at that thought, and as the girl pulled me forward and into a large crowd in the bar, I couldn’t help but think about the control a stalker had. They chose when to say something. They chose when to approach, when to look, when to retreat. They had all the control.

That was creepy as fuck.

I never wanted to be a stalker. Why was I thinking about that?

The girl was still leading the way. We’d moved into the area that was literally standing room only and had to wait for people to move before we could go farther in. We got halfway before she said over her shoulder, “Do you want to see your brother?” She nodded to the right. “He’s in the corner with some people.”

I shook my head. I was drunk. There was a high chance he was drunk. I leaned closer and yelled, “He probably forgot I’m here. I’m good. Onward to the football star.”

She laughed before inching forward. Then she saw something and veered to where my brother was.

I pulled on her hand. “No. I don’t want to see my brother.”

Too late.

She almost shoved her way into some guys, and voilà, the waves parted for me. Or, a couple people moved aside, and I got a glimpse of a table in the corner. Gage and one of his other friends were there talking to Shay. I recognized another guy from our political science class, but I searched for Linde. I couldn’t find him. Becs said he was also there. I wanted to talk to him, too.

But enough was enough. Apology time had to happen.

The girl who led me started to point, but I nodded. I edged ahead of her.

“Wha—” She tried to grab me, to pull me back.

I evaded her, pushing forward until I was at the table.

Gage had his finger up. His mouth was open. He was in mid-speech, and I recognized all the signs of a big story. He froze, seeing me, and his mouth fell open a few more inches. He swore, turning to face me completely. “I forgot you were here.”

I snorted and grabbed the finger he had in the air. I tried to twist it, but he yanked it away. I said, “That’s a no-brainer.” I sidled up between him and Shay. There was some space there. Gage was standing at the edge of the table, and Shay was leaning against the wall. Someone else could’ve been standing between them, but the space was empty. It was like a protected area, considering how squashed everyone else was. This space was special, private.

It was Shay’s space. No one was going to invade it.

Except me. I had no problem doing that.

I stood in that spot and slapped my brother’s shoulder. “You win the best brother award of all time.” I laughed. “Just kidding. Blake would have your ass in a sling if he were here.”

Gage was speechless.

I turned around to Shay, who seemed just as speechless. His eyes were wide and glued to me.

I moved forward, pressing my hands against his chest, and I grinned up at him. “And you. I have to apologize. I was a bitch, and I’m sorry. I’m always a bitch to you, and I’m not sure why. You’re nice to me, or—” I pursed my lips, thinking about it. “Sometimes you’re nice to me. You can be a dick sometimes.”

He jerked out of his spell. He glanced around the bar, wrapped an arm around my waist, and pulled me close. He bent to whisper-yell into my ear, “You’re drunk?”

I nodded. “I sure am.”

His lips didn’t move from my ear. “Your brother brought you here?”

“He sure did.”

“Who the fuck have you been drinking with then?” He leaned back, his eyes drilling into mine. He clenched his jaw. “Your brother’s been talking to me. Where have you been?”

My head felt heavy, but I frowned and moved back so I could see him better.

He looked pissed. He looked more than pissed. A vein popped out from his neck.

I swung my head to my brother. “Why is he mad? I just apologized.”

Gage’s mouth was still open. Some suspicion filtered in his gaze as his eyes jumped from me to Shay and back again. He shook his head. “I don’t know, Kenz.” Skimming an eye around the table, he drew closer and almost shielded us. Shay was leaning against the wall, the table on his right. I was facing him, the table on my left and my brother came over to box us in.

He ducked his head.

Shay grilled him. “Where’s your sister been while you were here? Who’s she been drinking with?” His hand tightened on my hip.

A buzzing filled my head, rising over the noise in my ears. Something was off. Something wasn’t right. I wasn’t remembering to do something.

I suddenly got tired, and my eyelids started to droop. I shook my head to clear that away. I didn’t want to sleep, not yet.

“Kenz.” Gage pressed in closer.

I glanced around. There’d been a small cocoon, but that diminished. People were closer. There were hungry looks on people’s faces. Some seemed shocked. Some seemed pissed. I caught sight of Linde. He was moving toward us, his mouth pressed in a firm line. The girl who brought me over seemed rooted to her spot, her mouth slightly open.

This was what was wrong. That buzzing feeling intensified. It was me. I violated something, but I couldn’t quite remember what it was.

“Kenz.” Gage was saying again, trying to get my attention.

“What?”

“Who were you with just now?”

“Your friends, in the booth where we ate.”

He cursed, hanging his head a moment.

Shay asked, his jaw still clenching, “Who were your friends?”

Gage shook his head. “I don’t even remember. She needs to go home.”

“No shit.” Shay narrowed his eyes at him. “You’re wasted, too.”

I wasn’t sure what was going on. “No. I don’t want to go home.” I was having fun, finally.

Shay turned those heated eyes on me. “You’re underage and drunk. You’re not staying.”

I started to lean back, but his hand tightened. Who did he think he was? He clipped his head from side to side. “No. I’m not arguing with you. This is not up for debate. You are going home.” He caught movement at our side and lifted his head. “I’m taking her home.”

Linde shoved his way in, reaching for me. “Clarke?”

He just touched my arm. I didn’t understand why everyone was so mad. I looked between all of them. “I’m good. I’m having fun. I don’t get the problem.”

Gage groaned. “I fucked up.”

Shay ignored him, saying to Linde, “You sober?”

Linde shook his head, his hand falling back to his side. “No. You?”

“I just downed too much. It’s going to hit me.” He tugged me closer to him, leaning back to my ear. “I’m going to call for a cab. I’ll ride with you to your dorm.”

I turned my head so my lips were a few inches from him. He pulled back a little so he could see me, but that just meant our lips were even closer together. There was a small amount of space between our bodies. I wasn’t fully leaning on him, but I was beginning to wonder why not. We were so close, and I was getting heated. I was forgetting what I was going to say.

“You don’t want me here?”

His eyes darkened. “That isn’t it.” His hand lifted to the side of my face, but he cursed and let it fall again. He straightened, pulled away, and raised his voice. “If you get caught here, you’ll be in a ton of trouble. All of us would since we know you’re here. You have to go.”

I felt a pang in my chest. That made sense. I turned to Gage and Linde. “I don’t want you guys to get in trouble for me. I’m sorry.”

Linde started to shake his head, but Gage turned to Shay. “You stay. She’s my sister. I’ll take her home.”

Shay ignored him, asking Linde, “Can you call a cab?”

Linde nodded, pulling his phone out. He pointed to the side door where we stood. “It might be awhile. Tonight’s busy. I’ll have it pull up out there. You guys can just slip out.”

Shay nodded. His arm fell away from around my waist, but he kept one hand on my hip. It anchored me in place, and his hand flexed, clamping down a little harder. It just pulled me toward him again. That same buzzing sensation was building in me, taking over. I shook my head, trying to clear some of the fog that being around Shay formed.

I couldn’t fall into him and pull those lips down to mine. There was a reason, but I was fast forgetting it. I was in a bar. There were people around us, and he was so warm. He was so protective. He was dangerous. I felt a slice of awareness. This was the guy who commanded his football team against the opponents. He ran the show, and he hadn’t let me see this side of him, but I wasn’t worried. That danger wasn’t directed at me. It was out, because of me, because he was going to take care of me.

I started to throb, wanting him, almost needing him. But, no. My brother was there. People were there. I held myself back, and I glanced up and felt captured immediately. The same stark hunger was there, and I almost groaned, my tongue darting out to lick my lips. His eyes caught the movement, and I swear that I heard an answering groan from him. His hand took on a different hold. He was keeping me in place and himself back.

We just stood there, waiting, trying not to jump at each other.

Apparently the pub was still serving food because a pizza arrived to the table. I wasn’t going to eat any, but Shay’s eyes flashed at me. “You need to eat. You need to sober up.”

Well, when you put it that way. And my mouth was watering again. Why did everything taste so much better after booze?

I finished my second piece when I felt a soft touch on my arm. Gage flashed me a sad smile. He leaned close. “I didn’t know this was going on.”

I looked at Shay. He turned his head away. I wasn’t sure if he heard or not. The music was drowning everything out, but he was close. He could’ve heard. Either way, he was acting as if he hadn’t. He was giving my brother and me some privacy.

I said back to Gage, “There’s nothing going on.”

Gage cocked his head to the side, his lips forming a frown. “Are you serious?”

I was beginning to remember the problem. I’d outed myself. People now knew who I knew. The realization flooded in, along with an increasing panic, but I couldn’t stop it. It was already done. I was standing in a very small and sheltered circle of these guys whom I didn’t want people to know were in my life.

Even knowing the problems this could cause, I had no desire to pull away from Shay’s hand. That one touch, one hold, was tantalizing to me. I began to thirst for more, and I looked at his face, at his lips.

They were perfect, especially when they were on me.

Sensing my attention, Shay’s lip twitched into a smirk.

Hunger, desire, and a primal need overwhelmed me. I started to sway toward him, but his hand flexed again. He held me back, and he wasn’t letting me move any farther away.

Linde leaned in to my brother, said something, and then flashed his phone at Shay.

Gage turned to me. “Your cab is here. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I already knew I didn’t want that, though I nodded.

Shay turned me around, pushing away from the wall. His hands found both sides of my waist, and he started to propel me forward and around the table. We moved through the crowd. There weren’t a lot of people between us and the door, but there were enough that it still took a few minutes. I waved to Linde over my shoulder, and he dipped his head in another one of those nods. He turned, his hand going around the waist of the girl who led me to their table. She was saying something to him, and his head bent down to better hear her. Gage waved, too, but his eyes were sad.

I sighed.

Shay reached around me and opened the door.

I stepped out, his hands still on me, and made sure the door shut right behind us. He ushered me behind a truck, stepping around so we were hidden. As soon as we did, the door opened again. I saw a security guard look out. He searched up and down both sides of the sidewalk, frowned, and retreated back inside.

Shay was so close behind me that I could feel his body heat. “No one’s supposed to use that door. It’s for emergencies. They think someone tried to sneak in.”

That made sense. I was trying to tell him that, but my throat stopped working. Everything stopped working, even my brain. I turned around, my back against the truck, and I gazed at Shay. His eyes were almost black, and I knew he was feeling the same need as me. I could feel him on my hip. I reached down and brushed over the bulge in his jeans.

He expelled a ragged breath, closing his eyes. “You’re drunk.”

My hand curved around him, applying pressure. I murmured, my voice husky, “I’m not that drunk.” I’d been sobering up real fast, and I stepped into him, bringing our bodies in line together. I looked up, my thumb rubbing over him through his jeans. “Let’s go to your house instead.”

He groaned, his eyes lidded and heavy as he watched me, but then there was a flash of lights and a car pulled up by the side door we had just snuck out from. He cursed, taking my hand. “It’s the cab. Come on.”





We got into the cab, and Shay told him his address.

He sank back next to me, our hands intertwined, and I didn’t know what I was doing. My heart was racing. My entire body was inflamed. Our hips were touching, and he turned so it looked like he was looking out my door, but he wasn’t. His lips were at my forehead, and our hands moved to my lap. They pressed down on my leg. The back of his hand was lightly touching where I was