Munmun by Jesse Andrews
Then she’d shake it off or swallow it, smile bravely, tell me, “Thanks bro, have a good day at school, just hope you’re learning as much as me,” gottahandit to my sis, she’s a fighter.
LIFEANDDEATHWORLD
Was I learning as much as Prayer, definitely not. I had to agree with Hue, Lifty education was kind of a joke.
Lifty classrooms were basically gyms and the entire morning was just bodywork. Throw weights around, jog on a hamsterwheel, fight the waves of the sloshy drowningpool, and ofcourse play vicious sports with the intention of kill the other team.
Then the afternoons weren’t super bookish either, mostly just simulations and preparations for the most common Lifty jobs, mining, drilling, shipping, whaling, sharking, struction and maintenance, firefights, floodfights, rubbleclearing, disasters ingeneral.
Lots of periods were free because there weren’t enough teachers to go round, hey guys for the next hour and twentyminutes how about you go chill with your crew in Mun World or the parkinglot, hope you have a crew though, otherwise those times will be pretty lonely.
But even lonely strolls through Mun World can be exciting for a kid who was ratscale a weekago.
Mun World was miraculous to me, an endless shopscape of aisles for miles. Infact that’s the jingle, Aisles For Miles At Mun World, Miles is even the name of the storepet, a flatscreen with arms and legs who dances endlessly near the frontdoors.
The point of Mun World is, everything you need for middlepoor life is available here, no need to look for anything anywhere else, youneedit wegotit, clothes, food, chairs, drugs, phone and water contracts, toiletseats, littledogs, guns, frozenfoods, microwaves, lottery and gameshow tickets, dolls, bombs, guitars, we have them all and more, spend your munmuns only at Mun World please.
So Mun World was paradise, for that reason also a dangerous terrorzone. Paradise because everything was something that fit in my hands, begging me to buy it, bright slick magical object made justforyou, take it back to your middleroom and own it, hold it, hug it, an amazing feeling. Notescreens, skateboards, hairgel, bodyspray.
But mostofall the clothes, the styles, ohmygod.
Here in Mun World were shoes that fit my feet like the shoefactory had met me, infact known me my whole life, faithfully made me hundreds of perfect shoes in beautifull rows and stacks. Here were hats that fit my head, shirts that hugged my arms and belly, pants that squeezed my butt into terrific shapes.
Here were soft cool wild fabrics, bright violent colors, fresh new styles.
And the freshest of all was Fresh But Chill, in Highend Halfscale Fashion, you have no idea.
Fresh But Chill was the style I desired in my deepest heart, in my happiest dreams. Hoodies chockfull of mesh and ribs, soft mysterious teeshirts crowding and bustling with secret logos, tattery clingpants and leglets, shoes as chunky and gleamy as doublecars, and dontforget the skinnybelts.
“Well, will you get a load of this hunky posterboy for Fresh But Chill,” said Lease the flirty shopgirl the first time I tried on a full outfit, “can you let me admire you for just ten seconds, please.”
She was doing a great job of admiring me so I rewarded her with a spin move, followup with an overtheshoulder glance and waggled my butt like a naughty little dude.
“Wow and dang, mostly wow but a littlebit dang forsure, hey Jeans you gotta see these fly dancemoves,” Lease exclaimed to her salesfriend Jeans, who can blame her.
And Jeans hustled over, the salesfriends oohandahed, for a few minutes I was the wild fresh king of Mun World.
“If you walk out of here not in those clothes, it’s a literal crime,” worried Lease.
But the outfit came to twohunfifty munmuns, five weeks of my fiftymun allowance, more than my entire munflow at that time.
“I can’t afford it,” I whispered in shame.
“Tell you what,” said friendly Jeans. “For just a starter rate of a hundo a week you can become a lifelong subscriber to Fresh But Chill, constant deliveries of the sharpest chillest style, you’ll be hookedup forever and it’s the best value byfar, sicktypercent off this outfit for example.”
“It’s double my allowance though, my munflow will run out,” I said, the dancemoves have drained out of me and my voice was a humiliated squeak.
“Wait just a second here, you’re telling me a fresh strong dude like you has no job and instead relies on a sad little allowance,” said Lease, getting a little tough.
“I’m sure some zone of Mun World is hiring if you need an income,” suggested Jeans more hopefully, but I was already fleeing in disgrace, ducking back into the dressingroom and throwing on my stiff dumb officeclothes.
So that’s what I mean by Mun World was a place of constant terror. My allowance was so limited, obviously I had to save it up and never spend it, and worstofall I had the feeling of I can’t trust myself, once you let yourself spend onetime once, it’s a slipperyslope, suddenly you’re broke and brokenleg at the bottom, can’t climb back up.
Even just a little nothing purchase like bodyspray, I had the sick nightmare worry that if I said to myself, no problem, Warner, you’ll just make one exception to buy this one bodyspray bottle because girls hate it if you don’t smell brisk, the next day I make another exception for some hairclay, invisible grit to rub into your hair to make it more vertical, seem less poor, andsoonandsoforth and prettysoon I’ve broken down, made ten exceptions and bought the deluxe subscription to Fresh But Chill, looking like a sweet boss but can’t even afford the bus.
One more aspect of life on the Lifty Track, some days we had Guest Lectures. These were from businesses offering to cover an early graduation that very day for any student who wanted a better brighter future.
The most successfull of these were forhire armies, hey Lifters, come guard oilships for the Ondemand Navy, or else sit in the comfy aircondition bunker of Hoverbomb Alacart and destroy pirates in a reallife shootemup. Get the thrills of battle alongside valuable corporate experience, plus seven times out of ten it’s for noneother than the Yewess government, don’t you want to be a mostofthetime patriot.
Others it was a little harder to figure out what they were trying to hire us for, ee gee on my third day of school when a sweaty guy in a suit threw open the doors and made us call him the Empowerist.
“You can walk out the door with me today if you decide you want a better brighter future with Power Life Future,” declared the Empowerist. “Build a team, watch it grow, work from home, be a leader, the future is literally in your hands, all you have to do is shape it with the power to say yes!”
“I have a question,” said a kid named Brand.
“Being upfront with questions is a thousandpercent the attitude that makes you a perfect fit for Power Life Future!” declared the Empowerist. “Bytheway I am in love with your personal energy! Go!”
“How do you get the munmuns, like where do they come from,” said Brand, a kid of, I have to tell you, not amazing personal energy.
“Ohmygod, incredible question,” loudly whispered the Empowerist. “Because what you’re asking is, what business is Power Life Future in, and that’s the fundamental question of any business. Now heresthething. If your business isn’t the business of people, then you’re not a business, you’re just some company. But we’re so much more than that because what are we?”
No one answered him so he yelled, “A business! Ha ha! Yes!”
“Who pays you munmuns though and for what,” said Brand.
“Young powerseeker, here’s another way of thinking about your question,” said the Empowerist. “What industry is Power Life Future in?, the education industry?, nutrition industry?, home agriculture and manufacturing industry?, answer, yesyesyes but more importantly no, wrong, none of those, are we even in the subscription industry?, sure, but no, wrong again, because here’s the deepestlevel story, we’re in the wayoflife industry. As a Power Life Future native, you will have your life changed by our products, then you can and will tell everyone you know, frien
I glanced at Teacher, caught his eye, he frowned and shrugged like, sure, I guess, whynot.
“So, you’re hiring salesreps,” said Brand.
“No,” said the Empowerist, “nonono, look, you’ve a littlebit missed the point but I continue to be obsessed with your personal energy, whatsyourname?, Brand, oh spectacular name, thankyou, Brand, anyway sales is what we do only at the most superficial level because what you’re doing is beyond selling, because here’s the bestpart. You’re not just going to sell to everyone you know, you’re going to recruit them to Power Life Future, and when your recruits make sales, guesswhat?, here’s the mindblowing part that makes this a whole wayoflife, you get a cut, and when their recruits make sales, guesswhat thatsright you get a cut, onandon down the line and you betterbelieve it adds up pretty darn quick and that’s what I mean by a future whose only limits are defined by your power to say yes! Brand. Your team could be making you a hunthousand munmuns every month, without you selling a thing. Twohunthousand! Fourhunthousand, because you have a vision, you’re bringing people a better life and it’s your life,” raved the Empowerist and a bunch more stuff like that, and look, maybe it looks a little crazy on paper but in sweaty stuffy Lifty Gym, gottabehonest, it started sounding good to me.
I mean all you have to do, soundslike, is not even sell stuff, just hire other people to sell the stuff and you get munmuns from what they sell. And how hard could it be to find people who want jobs, I mean who doesn’t come running when you yell, “Jobs, got some fresh hot jobs right here, I am a nice friendly boss who will hire you onthespot.”
But Tray saw my ears perking up or my eyes going wide and shiny or something and muttered, “Warner, chill, badidea,” so I chilled, and the Empowerist left super sweaty with no recruits that day.
•
Tray was one of the fatterlooking Lifty kids, no muscle definition and no rascally dave behavior either, no guns or tats, so he was not super popular, prettymuch the opposite, therefore one of the few kids willing to be friends with friendless Warner. Pretty brainy guy for Lifty Track, but also super depressed, sourfaced, everythingsucks, whatsthepoint.
He explained to me during rubblework, “My cousin Gram works for one of those foodchain operations, everyday it destroys his life.”
“Whatdoyoumean foodchain operation,” I said.
“A business constructed like a vampire type foodchain,” said Tray. “You got a predator up top, he sells you a subscription, chomp, now you got a straw in your neck, dave’s drinking your blood every month. So now you’re prey and your only hope is, become a littler predator, trying to get other preys to buy your subscriptions, put your little straws in other people’s necks.”
“What do you mean about straws,” I said, thinking about Fresh But Chill, getting a shuddery feeling.
“Subscription sucks munmuns out of your munflow every month like through a straw,” said Tray. “And worstpart is, straw is stuck there like permanently, you can’t pull it out, because a true foodchainop puts all kinds of hooks and glues on there where the straw hits your neck.”
“Hooks, glues, the heck are you even talking about,” said Brand, waddling up.
“It works like this, you call to pull out the straw, cancel the subscription, company says oops sorry we’re just the middleman, you have to take it up with this other company, next company says the same thing, finally you get to the distributor but they say sorry we outsource to five different providers and you need to call them directly but before we put you in contact with them we need to start collecting removalfees, and bytheway the providers are going to hit you with removalfees too, you’re like dang, crap, thissucks, then they’re like well buuuuuut, hey, another alternative is we could just readjust your subscription, lower rate, you’re like that sounds better to me, they go ahead and lower your cost this month but next month you find out the subscriptioncost tripled permanently, ohmygoodness, it’s eight different kinds of crazy predator moves, Gram lost half his scale already,” said Tray, clearing rubblestones ferociously.
“Dang,” I said, catching rubble like a champ, I was pretty amazing at rubblework.
“But soundslike all you got to do is find other preys,” said Brand.
Brand was also fatlooking, pretty dumb, like I said not terrific personal energy, but atleast chill and not evil. Also he was the only other kid who agreed to be newguy Warner’s friend, because newguys at school are always considered weird and treated with suspicion by the studentbody atlarge, so welcome to Team Warner, dumb chill Brand.
“Brand,” said Tray. “Two answers to that, intheory and inpractice. Intheory answer first, is the foodchain infinite, nope, it has a bottom layer of sad planteaters getting snacked on. Bottom layer supports all the other layers, therefore it has to be byfar the biggest. So mathwise if you join the foodchain you’re probably one of the planteaters, the ones getting attacked and bloodsucked and never finding blood to suck and instead just munching plants, consequence of noninfinite populationsize, right, okay, withmesofar.”
“Nope,” said Brand, peering around for the bodydoll under all the rubblestones.
“That’s fine, because here’s your inpractice answer, ask my cousin Gram if it’s easy to find preys,” said Tray. “Betteryet, don’t, because he’ll try to turn you into a prey, like he tries to do at family beebeecues, it’s a nightmare, everyone hates him now.”
“FOUND THE BODY,” yelled some tatty daves across the rubblepile, yanking out the body, arm popping off. “TEACHER WE SAVED IT.”
“Allright, be carefull, we don’t have a lot of those,” yelled Teacher, hustling to save the body from being jacked up by victorious daves who now were running around taunting all the loser crews who didn’t find the bodydoll, lol wewin, youlose, when we graduate we will get struction and maintenance, meanwhile you’ll be hacking up lungs in the oilrock mines, lololol.
But they skipped us completely, why would you waste even one lol taunting some janky outcasts, two fatties and one newkid.
Tray, Brand, Warner, we were not Votech’s most popular crew, probably closest to most ignored crew, but look, great, most ignored is just fine, perfect really.
Most ignored doesn’t mean completely ignored though, prettyquick a kid found me in the parkinglot.
“You’re the newkid Warner, right,” he asked.
And flashed his hands, bullfaces tatted on their backs, horns up the thumb and pinkey, ohno.
The bulls were supposed to be a happysad combo like the theatermasks you see sometimes, but instead the combo was more like sleepycrazy, crazy one is snorting fire and sleepy one looks more like a goat.
“Nope nope, super different kid,” I said to this faceboy, prepared to run or pulp.
“Dave, be chill,” he urged. “I’m not a faceboy anymore. I left that squad, left Sand Dreamough, they don’t know where I am. Just wanted to say, I know your wild dramahistory with that squad, I got one too.”
“Best if we don’t talk about it, Bullfists,” I pleaded.
“Fillup, my name’s Fillup again,” he said. “You ever need me, come find me in Drivy Track, likewise I need to know if I can count on you in a brawl.”
“Allright Fillup, got your back forsure, now let’s be se
“Bytheway how come you never talk about your home or family,” asked Brand.
“What’s there to say, just average boring middlepoor, hey how about you show me some wrestling vids,” I lied.
DREAMWORLD
I didn’t want my crew to think of me as a cityboss pet so I told them nothing. It would have felt crazy talking about Hue Family Palace down in gritty grubby Eat Votech anyway, like pretending you commute every morning from a fairytale.
Infact all of Wet Almanac became like Dreamworld to me.
The busride from Eat to Wet was like falling asleep, the roar and chatter of Votech stops echoing in the ears while you drift up on switchback zigzag middleroads into a heaven for giants.
Step off the bus, the halfhour walk to Hue Family House is the dream’s beginning, clean, sweetsmelling, quiet, stroll past rolling lawns and humming homes under the vault of treebranches.
Walk inside and smell dinner prepping, starchy roots roasting, birds and fishes grilling, whole gardens hacked to bits on woodenslabs.
You’re supposed to be studying for retrack but sometimes the dreamy magic of middlerich paradise swallows you and before you know it you’re riding a dog, watching a vid, just wander the house in a stupid daze, run fingers along delicious textures and wonder everynight, canthisbereal.
• • •
But soonerorlater during these lazings and wanderings, Kitty would appear and remark, “Hey, what a coincidence, I happen to be holding these studymaterials for you,” infact a lot of times when I got home she was waiting in the sunroom with screens and books.