The Other Side of Envy by C. L. Stone
I opened the door and stepped out. The bed was empty, the covers thrown over the pillows.
“Kota?” I called, but he wasn’t there.
Fear crept through me. I tiptoed into the room, as if he could be hiding under the bed. His book bag was in the room, as was his overnight bag. His keys were gone, but his wallet was still here. One of the card keys for the room was missing.
He went somewhere? Without his wallet?
I walked over to the window, pulling the shade over a tiny bit, just enough to poke my head out.
At first, I couldn’t find him. Then I leaned over to see more of the parking lot, and spotted him. He was standing outside of North’s Jeep parked in the lot. He had his hands in his pockets, his hair a little ruffled from sleeping. North stood nearby, as did Silas and Nathan. North and Kota were talking, and the other two were waiting.
I pulled back from the curtain and considered the room. Four boys. Four places to sleep. Someone was going to end up on the floor, or I was going to be in the middle of a bed with two of them.
I fiddled with Gabriel’s phone. What if he wrote back? I’d have to sit strategically so someone didn’t accidentally read the wrong thing over my shoulder. If we ended up talking about Lily or the new plan, I didn’t want to have to stop because Kota was too close.
I moved one of the chairs over to the corner where I could see out into the room and none of them could pop up behind me and read over my shoulder. They weren’t usually nosy. I was just being paranoid.
I went to the window again. Kota and North led the way to the hotel room, with Silas and Nathan following behind, dragging the majority of the book bags and overnight bags in. Mine was in Silas’s hands.
I was going to wait by the door as they went out of view to climb the stairs. The phone buzzed in my hand, surprising me.
Liam: Wrong move, Sang. Whatever you did, you went way too far.
Too far? He said to break. What was too far?
My heart stopped, and I held my breath. I stared at the phone, waiting for him to tell me what he mean.
Instead of standing by the door, I moved to the seat, pretending I didn’t know they were coming in. I sat down hard in the chair, curling up as much as I could, trying to look nonchalant. I reviewed what I’d sent to Gabriel. I went back to Liam’s text and replied.
Sang: What do you mean? He was talking to me. He sounded fine.
I was just able to send the message when the door handle moved and Kota entered. He spotted me in the chair and smiled. “They’re here.”
I smiled back. It was hard to do when I was in a panic.
Kota moved further in, allowing the others to file in behind him. They talked loudly as they entered. North pointed to the unused bed. Silas and Nathan dropped bags onto it. Kota told them to pile the bags on the side of the dresser near the television because we’d sit on the beds. Silas and Nathan dragged the pile over.
The phone buzzed, but I couldn’t look at it. They were actively moving around. They might have been distracted, but I didn’t want them seeing I was texting and ask who or what we were texting about. I wasn’t sure I could lie. I was too rattled as it was.
I’d gone too far. Gabriel had sounded okay. Or had I said something bad? I tried looking back at what I’d said. We’d been talking about some tender spots for both of us: our mothers.
Gabriel didn’t talk about his past a lot. Not normally. I’d known him for a while, but I’d only really learned about what happened to his mother and the rest of his family recently. He was reluctant to talk about it.
The boys settled in, sitting on the beds. They talked about McCoy. Kota and North devised strategies. I listened, but fiddled with the phone, distracted.
I eased the phone away from my body, unable to resist checking it out.
Liam: I got a message from Luke. Gabriel bailed on the mission. Luke said he mentioned going rogue.
IN THIS TOGETHER
Time stopped and all I could do was stare at Liam’s message. Gabriel did something he wasn’t supposed to, enough that Luke sent a message on to Liam about it. Why did he send the message to Liam? Wouldn’t he have told Kota? Or Mr. Blackbourne?
Kota, North and the others talked in the room, and all I could do was stare at the message. I waited for more, an update, an answer.
Going rogue. Was it because of something I said or something going on with Mr. McCoy? It didn’t make sense that he’d take any severe action over what we talked about.
Or did he mean...could it mean he was quitting the Academy and walking away from everything? No.
Liam’s message was pretty severe. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I didn’t know what to do.
I looked up, ensuring the others were engaged and not focused on me. I sat stiffly, like moving even the littlest way would cause the whole world to crumble.
My fingers hovered over the phone. I wanted to ask Liam more. I wanted to text Gabriel. Luke had promised to stay near Gabriel. Should I text him and find out what was going on?
Why was I stuck in this hotel room when somewhere out there, Gabriel needed me?
I wasn’t sure what to say to anyone. It felt like if I’d just kept quiet and waited until I saw Gabriel again, maybe that would have been better. Was he angry at me for bringing things up?
I’d made so many mistakes. Maybe if I didn’t react, would that be better?
“Sang?”
I lifted up my head. I wasn’t sure who had said my name. Everyone had their heads turned toward me.
“Huh?” I asked.
Nathan smirked. He sat near Kota on the unmade bed. He’d switched from his school uniform to jeans and a red T-shirt, one that was too small for him. When he twisted to look at me, part of his side was exposed, including the edge of his dark boxers and the side of his stomach. “What are you doing? We were talking about getting pizza.”
“She likes pepperoni, doesn’t she?” Silas asked Nathan. Then he turned his head and looked at me. He had on his school pants, and had stripped everything except the white undershirt. He sat on the corner of the other bed, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. With the way he was sitting, it bulked his muscles until he appeared massive. “Because pepperoni is the only thing you put on a proper pizza.”
“You don’t know that,” Nathan said. He turned to me. “Don’t you like chicken and black olives? But you likes pineapple, too...”
“You don’t put fruit on pizza,” Silas said. He nudged North. “That’s unhealthy, isn’t it?”
I groaned internally. It was hard to deal with them fussing over pizza when Gabriel was out there somewhere, going off on his own.
What could I do? I realized the only one in the room that could possibly understand what was going on was North.
“If you want to talk about healthy, you’d buy her a salad,” North said. “We should all probably have one instead of pizza.” He sprawled out on his back on the bed, wearing in the same dark pants and black T-shirt. He situated himself on top of the bedspread. His eyes closed.
“You could ask her if she wants a salad or pizza,” Kota said, absently fiddling with the pillow in the bed we’d slept in. He plumped it and then sat back against the headboard. “She’s sitting right there.”
“Sang, what do you want on your half of our pizza?” Nathan asked, emphasizing while looking at North. “Don’t listen to North and get a salad just because he says.”
North turned his head away so I couldn’t see his face. “Unless she wants one, which she should. She’s been eating shit all day.”
“Sang?” Nathan asked louder than North’s tone. “What do you want?’
I really didn’t have an opinion. I wanted to say something, anything, to stop them talking to me right now. My frenzied mind didn’t care about pizza toppings. I so wasn’t in the place to talk about it.
“Chicken?” Nathan asked. “Black olives? Pineapple?”
“Yeah,” I said absently.
Nathan cocked an eyebrow. ?
I didn’t really care. I wasn’t sure if I’d eat it anyway. “Sure.”
“So weird,” Nathan said. He turned to Kota. “You heard her.”
Kota pressed at his phone and Nathan and Silas started talking. Kota spoke into the phone and then got up to go outside, maybe to talk somewhere quiet.
Silas and North were talking about the end of the football season coming up, another home game was happening soon and there were talks of holding it at another school since someone messed up the one at homecoming.
As they chatted, I couldn’t help but wonder if I should text Luke. He might be trying to get Gabriel to stop, or trying to keep up with him. Every choice I had made so far felt like a huge mistake. Trying to help wasn’t helping. I wasn’t so sure talking to Luke would help or hurt.
I got up quietly. Silas eyeballed me but kept talking. I approached North. I needed someone else. I didn’t want to say anything out loud. I didn’t want to do what I had to do next, but I had to. I had to do something; I couldn’t just sit there. The others wouldn’t really understand. North was more aware than anyone and he might know what to do.
North kept his eyes closed and didn’t pick up his head as I sat on the bed next to him. Was he sleeping?
I pretended to listen to Silas and Nathan talking about football when I bent over North, checking his face.
“What?” he asked, though quietly. I sensed he knew it was me.
I didn’t want to say anything out loud. Instead, I prodded at his arm.
He grumbled, turned his head and then opened an eye. “What?” he said.
I glanced at the others, faking a smile and a wink at Nathan when North’s tone got his attention for a second. When Nathan continued talking, I slipped the phone out of my pocket, scrolled to where I was talking to Gabriel and passed it to North.
“It cracked?” he asked.
I grimaced, checking on the others but they were still talking. I shook my head, pointing instead at the illuminated messages. I didn’t have time to worry about the cracked phone now.
North looked at me curiously but then moved the phone over near his head. He was still on his side, his other arm propped up under his head for support. He used his thumb to scroll through, reading through the messages.
I tried to keep a steady face around Nathan and Silas. I played with lies in my head if they were to ask what was on the phone. I just crossed my fingers they wouldn’t be that curious. I was very bad at lying.
Kota returned after placing the pizza order. Nathan dragged him into the conversation, but Kota changed the subject, asking if anyone had homework.
“Finished mostly at school,” Nathan said. He tilted his head back. “I don’t want to do the rest.”
“We have to keep our grades up,” Kota said. “If we start slipping now, we’ll get behind.”
“We’re ahead, though,” Nathan said. “I’ve nearly read the entire textbook for each class.”
“We don’t need these classes,” Silas said. “Why are we trying so hard to impress them? Can’t we scrape by with a few C- grades when it won’t matter later? We can do that just by showing up for the tests.”
“It’s the game we play for now,” Kota said.
North shook my arm to get my attention. His eyes shot lightning at me, dangerous. He mouthed something, though I wasn’t sure I understood what he was trying to say.
I took the phone from him, moved on to Liam’s messages. North, still looking upset, settled back again to read. I knew how he was feeling, but I didn’t want to alarm anyone. I wasn’t even sure if I was doing the right thing. Someone had to know, though.
“I’m just saying, we waste a lot of time being locked into classes,” Nathan said. “I know you enjoy them, but...”
“I understand. They aren’t...satisfying,” Kota said. “I think I’m more used to learning on my own. The classes are slower than I’d like.”
Nathan rolled his eyes. “Only you would complain that a class isn’t hard enough.”
“The material is interesting,” Kota said. “I just mean we don’t really move on from topics. There’s a very short discussion, then a homework assignment repeating what we discussed, and then a review and maybe a quiz, an essay and then a test. I’d rather attend a lecture and discuss the ideas, and maybe have a small test to count for a grade. As it is, I’m going over the same material at least four times.” Kota tilted his head back and sighed. “And we’re stuck going to classes until advised otherwise. We can’t just stop. It’ll look like we gave up and dropped out. Besides, what are we going to do if we aren’t in class? They’re not going to let us just walk around the school, peeking in classrooms and pretending we—”
North sat up quickly. He had the phone in his hands, his head tilted over the screen staring at it. He threw a glance at me and then mumbled something.
“North?” Kota asked. “Something wrong?”
“Phone call,” North muttered. He covered his hand over Gabriel’s phone and pressed it to his face, pretending to be on it while exiting the room.
No one seemed alarmed when North went outside. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to follow.
I wasn’t in the conversation anyway, so after a couple of minutes, I got up. I pretended I was curious as to what North was doing and went to the door.
“Sang,” Nathan said. “It might be Academy stuff.”
I stepped back and pointed to the door. “I wasn’t going to listen in,” I said. “I’m just paranoid since he’s out there alone.” I twisted the handle and opened. “If it’s Academy, I’ll come back, but will have him stay in front of the window where we can see him.”
This seemed to satisfy them. Kota’s eyes even lit up a bit. I think he was happy that I was thinking about safety.
North was a few feet away from our room. He waited until I closed the door behind me before he moved. He curled his fingers at me, his eyes blazing.
The way he looked at me made me want to run back inside and pretend I didn’t know anything.
“Why didn’t you tell me this shit sooner?” he asked through his teeth, obviously trying to whisper, but not managing it. “What does he mean, anyway? Going rogue?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I’m not there. I pushed him too far, though.”
“You and I are going to have another conversation later about this.” He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and started to dial. “So help me, Sang. I told you he was fucking cranky.”
“They said he was feeling down. He needed me to talk to him.”
“They’re not family, Sang.” He used the phone, pointing it at me. “I appreciate them helping us. I appreciate that you’re trying. But they aren’t family and don’t know what we need. They don’t know Gabriel.”
I gasped, pulling back, my eyes watering. He didn’t mean it, but the way he said it made me feel like I wasn’t family. I didn’t know Gabriel well enough to be able to reach out to him or to push when I felt he was down.
Maybe it hurt because it was true. How could I possibly know them all as well as they knew each other? I was new. I’d only known them...it felt like a long time but it was only a few months. Some I spent more time with than others. Gabriel I didn’t get as much time with. How could I even pretend to know him as well as North did?
It hurt to think so. I wanted to belong and be a part of them. I just didn’t know how to.
North made a scary face and then marched forward toward me. He wrapped me up in a tight hug and then said, quietly. “Baby, you’re trying. You still don’t trust us, though. You work around us even after we tell you what to do.” He pulled back, holding onto my shoulders, and leveling his head with mine. “Which is usually my job.”
I tried not to smile, but he was being so sincere at trying to almost make a joke that it was nearly impossible. North didn’t usually make jokes.
“Now I have to go stop Gabriel from doing something he’ll regret.” He released me and started walking away.
“What do I do?” I asked. “I should go with you. I should come to talk to him.”
“No,” he said, turning. He pointed back at the hotel room. “You have to go back in there with the guys and stay where you’re supposed to be, which is as far away from your phone and Gabriel.”
“But...”
“You just gave Gabriel a whole shitload of fuel,” he said. “I know him, and now that he’s learned all this shit you told him, he’s figuring out where you are and coming to find you. Which means I’ve got to stop him because he’s probably not thinking straight and leading McFuckCoy right to you.”
I stopped moving forward, standing still, unsure. It was worse than I thought. I was doing wrong by Gabriel and now was messing this whole plan up. “I can’t just stand by.”
“Sometimes we fight,” he said, “and sometimes we have to stand back and let others fight for us.” He moved forward again, snagged my chin between his fingers and held my face close to his. “We’re in this together, Sang Baby. You found out about this plan on your own. You seem okay with it. If you are, we’re a team now. Help me pull this team together. You can ask Liam. You can ask Lily. You can talk to them all, but we’re the ones here. You and I.” He pressed his lips together. I thought he was going to grunt or start talking again.
Instead he tugged me by the chin, closed his eyes, and pressed his lips down against mine.
It threw me off. I’d been swept up by his need, his pleading for me to work with him.
It was quick, harsh kiss and then he let go. “Stay here,” he said. “I’m going to go fix this. No matter what happens, you stay with one of them and don’t run off.”
I nodded, swallowing back emotion. I clamped my mouth shut, resisting the urge to say anything, and to bury the desire to go with him.
As North walked away, I stood by, waiting until got into his Jeep and drove off.